


hit my phone

by snakebitewrites



Series: rae's chatfics [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Brunch, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, IHOP, New Directions as Family, Social Media, Texting, brittany has a vlog, chatfic, dont put much stock in the relationship tags it's all very blink and you'll miss it, idk they're vibing, just a good time, them being teenagers and acting stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26382061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snakebitewrites/pseuds/snakebitewrites
Summary: Friday, 12:51 PMkurthummel_: finn did you put my math textbook back in my bag yesterdaythefinnhudson: fuck no i forgot sorrykurthummel_: you bitch
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel (kind of), Rachel Berry/Finn Hudson, Sam Evans/Mercedes Jones, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Series: rae's chatfics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2082657
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	hit my phone

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO IHOP. IDK HOW THE FUCK IT WORKS. ok i fucking love chatfics they're literally one of my favourite things to read so i made one myself. don't rely too much on the relationship tags this is rlly gen. comments and criticism (if constructive) are totally welcome! this is only the second fic i've written/posted so. thanks gang. format of this is inspired by TheSubtextMachine's textfics.

**Finn's Instagram DMs**

Friday, 12:51 PM

kurthummel_: finn did you put my math textbook back in my bag yesterday

thefinnhudson: fuck no i forgot sorry

kurthummel_: you bitch

thefinnhudson: i can steal someone elses for u  
thefinnhudson: well i mean puck can  
thefinnhudson: im just lookout

kurthummel_: no it's fine but i'm taking music privileges in the car today in payment

thefinnhudson: aw fuck  
thefinnhudson: k fine

kurthummel_: doesn't matter if you agreed you don't have a choice. my music or i leave you here

thefinnhudson: your mean

kurthummel_: yes ♥️

**Twitter**

Finn Hudson @quarterbackhudson  
hi so td my brother pushed me so im starting a kickstarter to put him down

kurt ✨ @porcelainhummel  
@quarterbackhudson you're the one who didn't give me my textbook back don't act like you have moral high ground

Puck @puckzilla  
@porcelainhummel dude he just said hes gna put u down how is that moral high ground

Finn Hudson @quarterbackhudson  
@puckzilla the benefits of killing him would be that id get pushed way less

kurt ✨ @porcelainhummel  
@quarterbackhudson fuck yoj

Miss Mercedes Jones @helltothejones  
@porcelainhummel yoj

Santana fucking Lopez @santanaf_inglopez  
@porcelainhummel yoj

Rachel Berry @rachelberryofficial  
@quarterbackhudson @puckzilla @porcelainhummel @santanaf_inglopez @helltothejones Shouldn't you all be in class??!?

Puck @puckzilla  
@rachelberryofficial idk what that is

**new directions: now with added blanderson (New Directions Group Chat)**

Artie: Okay y’all drop ur emails if you want the instrumental tracks for somebody told me and green light

Rachel: Artie, you should already have mine; in fact, we should all have each other's emails. Proper correspondence is vital for a production.

Tina: artie it's tcohenchang@gmail.com

Kurt: kurthummmel@gmail.com yes three ms

Brittany: somebody told you green light??

Santana: thats the song titles brit

Finn: finnhudson@hotmail.com

Mike: You still use Hotmail?

Sam: Finn!!! King it's 2020 don't do this to urself

Finn: hey it's old ok :( leave me alone

Quinn: Aw he's pouting

Santana: he's baby

Finn: im not baby what the hell

Mike: I mean he is kinda baby. A very giant baby

Rachel: How is Finn baby???

Puck: he's good hbu

Mercedes: puck that was fucking awful

Puck: rude

Quinn: Someone has to be to you.

 **TOTS (Mercedes' Private Snap Story)**

Snap 1:  
[Video Description: A shaky video of Mercedes in the choir room at lunch. She is singing Just a Girl by No Doubt. The camera pans to and zooms in rapidly on Tina and Artie, who are both headbanging. Kurt can be heard cheering behind the camera. The video moves back to Mercedes at the end of the chorus. The vibes are immaculate and so is Mercedes’ singing.]  
Caption: made some points here 😳 solo is a go people!

Snap 2:  
[Video Description: Kurt with his fingers against his temples, staring at his phone with an exasperated expression on his face. Transcription below.  
Mercedes: (off-camera) What did you just call Finn?  
Kurt: Fucking Judas, Mercedes.]  
Caption: when ur own brother betrays you and steals your shit so you liken yourself to Jesus

Snap 3:  
[Image Description: A selfie of half of Mercedes' face; the classroom ceiling can be seen in the background]  
Caption: have been informed by none other than Judas that he "didn't steal it on purpose" a likely story

Snap 4:  
[Image Description: Finn and Kurt walking side by side in the school's parking lot towards the Nav; Kurt is gesturing wildly about something and looking back over his shoulder to talk to Mercedes]  
Caption: hitching a ride with my boy stay tuned for Hudmel Car Duets™

Snap 5:  
[Video Description: Taken from the backseat of the Navigator. Video shows Kurt driving and Finn in the passenger seat. "Telephone" is blaring out of the speakers and Finn and Kurt are singing along, very loudly, and with a lot of improvised dance moves. Finn is Beyonce.]  
Caption: prerequisites for knowing Kurt: you legally have to sing beyonce or else you die

**Mercedes’ Snapchat DMs**

sammy boy 💙 replied to your story: Cedes can u pls send this to me i had to stay at school for tutoring so im missing my daily hudmel duet filming pls im doing it for the boys

[You sent a video]

sammy boy 💙: Thanks youre the most awesome

Me: oh i know  
but thank you you're pretty great too

sammy boy 💙: Not as cool as you!! :)

**TOTS (Mercedes’ Private Snapchat Story)**

Snap 6:  
[Image Description: A screenshot of the previous text conversation between Mercedes and Sam.]  
Caption: my man is cuter than yours💕

**new directions: now with added blanderson**

Tina: so the 'rents are leaving for the weekend 👀

Sam: YES

Puck: LETS GOOOOOOOO

Santana: are we bouts to get our party on

Brittany: what does tina not having to pay rent have to do with partying

Santana: her parents, brit

Blaine: Please don't let me get drunk this time.

Puck: is that a challenge

Blaine: Man come on drunk Blaine is weirdly straight and I'm really not down with that now  
Blaine: Not that I ever was

Kurt: if you make out with Rachel again I won't be held responsible for my actions

Tina: ANYWAY drunk blaine aside get ur asses to my house tomorrow at seven ok!!!  
Tina: if u wanna drink try to bring ur own stuff. i’m not made of money

Rachel: Will there be karaoke this time?!?!!

Santana: please god, no karaoke

Rachel: :(((  
Rachel: I'll bring my machine!

**Twitter**

Miss Mercedes Jones @helltothejones  
u pull up to the function and the first thing u hear is "DONT tell me not to LIVE just sit and puttah" call that rachel berry back on her bullshit

Rachel Berry @rachelberryofficial  
@helltothejones By that judgement, I never got off my bullshit :)

Miss Mercedes Jones @helltothejones  
@rachelberryofficial Yes ♥️

**mealsonwheelsspams (Artie's Spam Account)**

11:35  
[Image Description: A screenshot of Somebody Told Me by the Killers on Spotify]  
Caption: Another party means another chance for me to wind up inexplicably in a high place. Hoping it's the top of the fridge this time

Comments (7)  
mikechangjamsspams: If you do wind up there can you hold the speaker and play dj I just think that would be fun

sam.i.am.spams: @mikechangjamsspams He needs a cool hat if he's gonna do that

finns_spam: @sam.i.am.spams why

sam.i.am.spams: @finn.spams U have Kurt for a brother how do u not know the importance of a cool hat

uravirginwhocantdrive: @sam.i.am.spams i have failed to get that message across to him. or any other for that matter. but also i too don't really see the value of a fabulous hat in this particular situation

spamtana: @uravirginwhocantdrive you type how u talk it's like you're in my fucking brain it's not pleasant

puckthejew: Artie ill get u on the fridge dude

mealsonwheelsspams: @puckthejew You're a real one bro 

**new directions: now with added blanderson**

Kurt: ladies and gentlemen if I may

Tina: it is one am

Kurt: if i fucking may

Mike: You may

Kurt: i want brunch tomorrow

Finn: don't u mean 2day

Kurt: i'll come down the hall and bitch slap you

Finn: i'll tattle

Mike: BRUNCH

Kurt: i would keep making fun of you but you just said the word tattle and that automatically makes you five years old and even i feel bad about bullying children

Quinn: Seriously are you sure you’re not really related. Real sibling energy here

Finn: hes a gremlin

Kurt: ok goliath

Finn: idk what that means

Mike: BRUNCH

Tina: yeah Kurt brunch??

Kurt: right yes i want brunch. we should all get brunch and then hang out somewhere and then go to tinas

Santana: i am not spending a whole day with you

Kurt: me in particular or us as a whole

Santana: nah porcelain i could probably tolerate a day of you but this whole group together outside of school for a whole day is just begging for disaster

Puck: yeah id prbably get arrested again lol

Quinn: Well we wouldn't want that would we

Mike: SO LET'S GET BRUNCH AND THEN SEPARATE AND COME BACK AT TINAS

Quinn: Be more excited why don't you

Puck: changs got a hardon for brunch

Mike: Brunch is my guilty pleasure

Tina: i like Mike's plan!! let's get brunch!

Mike: BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH

Finn: brunch doesnt look like a word anymre

Brittany: can we go to ihop 🥺  
Brittany: apparently they have pancakes

Puck: fuck can we pls go to ihop i want them waffles

Kurt: okay ihop tomorrow at noon

Mike: I'm so pumped man

Mercedes: GO TO SLEEP  
Mercedes: oh wait brunch??? i am so there  
Mercedes: but fr. a girl needs beauty sleep

Quinn: Mercedes you're pretty already

Kurt: yeah cedes you should probably stay up later and save some sexy for the rest of us

Mercedes: i love you guys but seriously go to bed

Kurt: night hoes

Quinn: Good night

Mike: BRUNCH

Tina: niiiiight

Finn: gn

Puck: gn

Brittany: night night :)

Santana: have a terrible sleep fuckers

Kurt: great we're cursed now thanks santana

Santana: ur welcome 😌

**Kurt's Instagram DMs**

Saturday, 10:46 AM

puckpuckerman: hey dude can i catch a ride with u 2 ihop

kurthummel_: why aren't you asking Finn?

puckpuckerman: bro u literally live with him and sam ur gna be driving them anyway rite  
puckpuckerman: y not just ask u

kurthummel_: yeah screw it why not  
kurthummel_: we'll be there at like 11:45 ish  
kurthummel_: you're lucky, puckerman. finn gets to pick the music today

puckpuckerman: cool i need sumn to jam 2

**VIP ZONE (Puck's Private Snap Story)**

Snap 1:  
[Video Description: Camera is in landscape mode. It is set up on the dash of Kurt's Navigator. Kurt, Finn, and Puck and Sam in the backseat are staring directly at the camera, all with their hands folding in front of themselves. Act Up by City Girls is blasting, full volume.]  
No caption, only a "sound on" sticker.

Snap 2:  
[Video Description: Filmed from the backseat of the Navigator. Kurt is driving and turning his head to yell at the camera. Transcript below:  
Kurt: Why is EVERYONE on your snap acting like I'm responsible for City Girls playing. That was all Finn's fault.  
Finn: I mean, I'll own up to that. City Girls slaps.  
Sam: (off-camera) Do not be ashamed of City Girls. Young Miami is God.  
Puck: (off-camera) Dude, you just like them because they twerk a lot.  
Kurt: Ew. If you're going to be overly heterosexual you legally can't be in my car.  
Puck: Whoa, Kurt, are you heterophobic?  
Finn: I don't think you can make that joke man.  
Sam: Whaaat, he's learning!]  
Caption: finn hudson: city girls #1 fan

**BRUNCH WITH MY SINGING FRIENDS | Vlog 56 (Brittany's YouTube Vlog Channel, BrittanySPierce)**

[Video opens with the Fondue For Two intro badly edited to say Fondue For Multiple Various Assortments of People. Intro ends and Brittany fills the screen.]  
Brittany: I really hope Rachel doesn't get us kicked out of IHOP again.  
[Video cuts to a large table inside the diner. Mercedes, Santana, Mike, Tina, and Brittany are already seated]

...

"If we start up the hot-dog-sandwich debate again today, I'm going to throw hands," proclaimed Santana to the table.

Without looking up from the salt and pepper shakers he and Brittany were balancing, Mike responded "There is no debate. It's not a sandwich." 

This statement earned him a betrayed pout from Brittany and a shake of Tina's head.

"No, seriously, enough. I know where this leads. You guys will keep debating, and then when everyone else shows up they’ll get involved, and then some of the guys will start homoerotically horsing around, which will rapidly devolve into actual wrestling. Then Rachel will start yelling shrilly, and then we’ll get kicked out, and then Brit will cry. And when Brit cries, you know Snixx comes out to play.” Santana punctuated this with a large sip of her water, making a slurping sound that caused Mercedes, sitting directly to her right, to wince.

The door to the diner opened, and Blaine walked in, opening the door for Artie to roll over to the table. A frantic shuffle to rearrange and grab chairs broke out as the obligatory debate about seating arrangements began. After a couple minutes of this, Quinn entered with Rachel not far behind, and more shuffling commenced when Rachel demanded a spot next to Finn. As he wasn’t there yet, this resulted in much confusion, but eventually all found seats to their liking. 

Immediately after which, of course, Puck, Finn, Sam, and Kurt walked in, and more shuffling happened.

Mike, now pressed into the wall of the booth, leaned over the table to speak into Brittany’s vlog camera. “This is why restaurants hate teenagers.” 

Aimless conversation broke out over the table as everyone began chatting among themselves. 

Brittany grabbed the camera and zoomed in on Puck. 

“Puck, are you hooking up with Kurt?”

This stopped all chatter and everyone turned to look at Brittany in varying states of utter confusion, except for Mercedes, who looked at Kurt in a state of utter confusion. 

After several seconds of this, Puck simply said “The fuck?” and Kurt, face bright red, said “I-Brit, what. What. I am. Disgusted. No.” Puck frowned at this, slightly offended that Kurt did not, in fact, secretly want to sleep with him.

Brittany adjusted the camera to capture the table at large again. “Because you two came in together, and Puck is a shark and Kurt is a dolphin which is a gay shark, so I thought you two must be hooking up.”

Quinn narrowed her eyes at Brittany. “Sometimes I think she’s contractually obligated to talk about dolphins being gay sharks every time we all meet up,” she muttered to Tina. Tina made an “I concur” face and nodded.

Blaine sighed and looked at the camera. “Kurt probably drove him because Puck is literally always at their house. He’s basically been adopted by Burt and Carole. Adopting jocks is kind of their thing.”

“I think it’s more because he’s like a rat. We fed him once and now he won’t leave,” Kurt said, face losing its violent blush. 

Finn’s confused face disappeared and a solemn nod of agreement replaced it at this statement. “Yeah, man, I don’t even know where he comes from anymore. Seriously, guys, I get up in the morning and go to brush my teeth and he’s just. There. Legit Rat Man,” Finn said, dodging when Puck attempted to hit him on the shoulder. 

“Noah, are you having problems at home?” Rachel said, reaching across the table to Puck and subsequently knocking over a portion of Mike and Brittany’s abandoned shaker tower. Mike looked briefly murderous before Tina slid the containers over and started making a new one.

“What the fuck guys. No, I’m good. I’m just there because Finn, Sam, and Kurt are my bros and Burt and Carole are awesome. And yeah, the food is way better. No big mystery here,” Puck said, smirking as he blew a straw wrapper at Finn.

Brittany set the camera back down and shrugged. “Okay, so that’s not good enough for my vlog.”

Mercedes leaned over and muttered in Kurt's ear, “I don’t like where she’s going with this.” Kurt nodded, his face full of trepidation and mild concern.

Santana was looking at Brittany apprehensively. “So let’s talk about something else then-”

“Is cereal a soup?”

Everyone stopped what they were doing instantly. Eyes widened all down the table as people began to take in this statement. Santana, sensing where this led, tilted her head back and made an absolutely horrifying groaning noise from the back of her throat that made everybody wince.

Mike sighed. “No, cereal isn’t a soup. And a hot dog isn’t a sandwich.”

“No, hold on,” Puck said, turning and holding one finger up in a “cease your bullshit” gesture, “She might be onto something.”

Rachel was frowning intensely. “It is not a soup. Just because something is liquid with chunks in it does not mean-”

“But why doesn’t that mean it’s a soup, though?” Sam said, eyes widening rapidly. “Are you trying to stop cereal from being a soup? Let the cereal identify itself, Rachel.”

“Yeah, Rachel! Cereal can be a soup if it wants!” Finn piped up, nodding his head as though he had made some incredible philosophical observation.

Rachel frowned at him and instantly opened her mouth, but Tina interrupted. “Why are you acting like the cereal is sentient? It doesn’t know if it’s a soup or not. It just gets eaten. Speaking of which, can we please order-”

“Tina! Don’t deny the cereal its rights!” Sam said, waving a fork in the air. Puck and Finn raised their forks with him. Blaine joined in.

“Blaine. Blaine no. Cereal is not a soup,” Kurt said sharply under his breath.

Blaine shrugged. “Sorry, Kurt. I have to fight for Cereal Rights.”

Mercedes, who had been watching the discussion like a tennis match, finally said, “I don’t like soup. It’s a liquid… but it’s a food? What’s up with that? It seems unsettling.”

This was a new perspective.

Quinn frowned slightly. “Well, you can drink soup?”

Artie shook his head rapidly and said, “No, whenever anyone discusses consuming soup, they say eat. No one talks about drinking soup.”

“That’s why I don’t like it!” Mercedes gestured rapidly at Artie. “You can’t just eat liquid! That ain’t right.”

Santana rolled her eyes. “Well, if it has chunks in it, you eat the chunks.”

Finn whipped his head around, pointed at Santana, and shouted, “Cereal has chunks!”

 _“Cereal isn’t a soup!”_ yelled Rachel, her voice rising in pitch and tension. It was rapidly approaching the volume she used in her biggest rants, and it seemed a Rachel Berry Tantrum was coming on like a high-speed train, and the entirety of the New Directions was about to witness the wreck.

“No, dude, it totally is. It’s liquid-ish, you eat it with a spoon, it’s in a bowl! It’s soup!” Puck shouted right back at her, his arms spread wide.

“Oh my God we are in a public place,” Kurt hissed, his hands framing his face and rubbing his temples.

Tensions were rising rapidly at the table. The New Directions were beginning to side-eye each other, trying to gauge where they each stood in the argument, and thus whether or not they would have to fight the person next to them. Arguments are so much easier to win when the person you are battling is in your near vicinity and can thus be rapidly taken out if so needed. Quinn was still sitting silently, pensive stare in place. Santana appeared to be crossing herself. Brittany lifted her camera and began to zoom in on Mike, who had just started to speak. “It’s only liquid by virtue of the fact that it has milk in it! Without the milk, it wouldn’t be liquid.”

Puck spread his hands and raised his eyebrows. “So?”

“So does your logic mean that you think milk is a soup?” Artie asked, looking at Puck with a genuinely flabbergasted expression.

Sam’s eyes became so large the whites could be seen all around his irises. “If you eat it out of a bowl... maybe it is!

At this, Mercedes, Tina, and Quinn simultaneously chorused _“No!”_ with Kurt tacking on "Are you on _drugs?_ " and the group rapidly descended into chaos worthy of the fifth circle of hell.

...

By the time brunch was over, the topic of cereal vs. soup had been debated heavily enough for half the group to write a graduate thesis on the subject, and for the other half to at least go on a rant in their spam account captions about whether or not cereal did, indeed, count as a soup. While the group did not get kicked out and no actual tears were shed, Mike and Puck did attempt to wrestle across the table (which proved difficult as they were at complete opposite ends; they did not comprehend the advice of arguing with people near you to improve fighting ability), Tina had thrown a waffle at Artie, and Quinn had resorted to holding her hand over Rachel’s mouth in an attempt to keep the screeching to a minimum.

Brittany smiled as she tapped through her video footage, Santana looking on fondly.

“You little shit-stirrer.”

Brittany looked up at her, eyebrows pinched in a frown. “That sounds really disgusting, San. I don’t wanna do that.”

Santana grinned at her. “It’s an expression, love. It means you had them all going apeshit like a pro.”

Brittany beamed. “This is gonna be such a good video. Lord Tubbington thrives on drama; I hope this lives up to his high standards. He’s such a picky executive producer. You know one time he told Tiffany Pollard to scream at people more? So glad to have him on this project with me.” She went back to poking at her camera, jumping through spots in the video and giggling at various intervals.

Santana squinted at her girlfriend, trying to decipher what the fuck was going through her head with that one, and eventually gave up, tugging on Brittany’s arm and dragging her to the car.

“Come on, Brit. I bet if you bring up the whole Puck-and-Kurt hypothesis again at Tina’s tonight, you can get even more of that delightful Schadenfreude.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The New Directions' Disaster Chat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28487418) by [admirabletragedy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/admirabletragedy/pseuds/admirabletragedy)




End file.
